No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
