i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
