please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
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