I wish life had little blips of pornography
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
