There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
