I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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