mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
