I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
