i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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