im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
My penis needs a shock collar
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
