the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the day after is always just damage control
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
