I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
