If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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