My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
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