I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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