I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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