Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
My ATM looks so different sober.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
