Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
