I hate your face
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
