Swine flu. Run for my life!
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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