I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
