The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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