Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
