Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
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