I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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