You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
