Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
