I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
