I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
