does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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