I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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