i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
