Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
