I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
