I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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