Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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