So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
