my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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