im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
