I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I need moral support for this bender
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
