I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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