its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
