No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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