So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
