dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
