Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
