My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
