I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
