you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
