Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
