batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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