Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
