apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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