She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
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